Dead of night, mid winter, the mountain stands proud, watching over the valley, a thin veil of snow blankets everything in sight, only tussock peering over their shroud visible and trees standing their ground against the assault of the cold air.
Taking a deep breath you can feel a burning sensation in your lungs as the harsh cold air fills the empty space inside of them. Wandering near the lake, there is nothing but a black mirror, reflecting the moon and starlight where the water would usually be.
The full moon sitting on it’s peak and the scattered stars in the sky providing the only illumination in the valley. the reflection of the moon’s light off of the mirror and into your eyes in almost blinding.
Looking around, eyes beginning to adjust, you can see the valley more clearly. hearing becomes more acute, you begin to notice the gentle flowing of water in a stream next to your path. On approach to the stream, upon arriving at your destination, running your hands through the water, it’s ice cold.
Hi Cameron,
Interesting to see you attempting to use the second person style of writing. It is extremely difficult to use this effectively.
Be careful as you seem to be falling into the same problem you’ve had before considering your sentence structure. You are writing in large run-on sentences.
This entire piece, aside from the thoughts, is one long sentence. Try breaking up your sentences with fullstops instead of commas.
You set up an interesting premise here but unless you put the work into your sentences, you will struggle to create successful flow in your writing.
Hi Cameron,
Feedback:
– Ensure all sentences are complete
– Make sure you stick to the task’s specifics – ensure it doesn’t become a narrative
– Look to describe the scene more. I don’t know much about it currently (this is again because you’re reverting to a narrative). Use the senses to describe the elements of the setting
– Most importantly now – work with focus and dedication!
GB